Birds. Birds ate my FACE.

I dont feel good anymore. Im always sick. sick to my stomach.
Is this way your punishing me for everything?
I didnt think what youve done would effect me so much.
But it has.

I just want to feel alive again. I just want to smile again. I just want it back.

I dont need to explain "it." No point.

No one understands. No one will ever understand, this or me.

Some people make me so flippin angry. Exspetionally, one they say they wont do something.
and then BEHIND ME BACK, they do it.
I'm so over this bullshit. I have the friends I want in my life. Fake two faced people, can go to the EXIT near sign.
Because the bullshit your pulling is so disgracefu. Go fuckk yourselfs. Peaceeeee.

Last night, was the first night in a while I felt like I was slowly breaking inside. I felt it, in the pit of my stomach.
I havent felt that in so long. It was so disturbing. I felt like I wanted to scream to someone.
I always feel that way lately, I feel like I am screaming inside. Even though, im silent.

Tonight, Its just me & Taffy. Im alone. Shocker?! This is what happens when you push the world away.
Ohwellz. I hear the voice tonight.

"No, Rachael. Iam your boyfriend. If you feel alone, I need to fix it. Its my job."

Ugh. I need something for this headache. And this stomach ace. I feel sick.

I dont want to be sick alone.

I dont want to be this alone anymore.







I just wish I could wake up from this.
I just wish this was a dream.
I just wish I could wake up, looking down seeing whos arms are wrap around me.
"Rachael I love being close you. Being in your arms is the best place. Stay close to Rachael, stay close."




I'm. about. to. up-chuck.

I want to go to a hypnotherapist.
I am addicted to Farmville.
I want to stretch to a 4 gauge.
I do not want to work every Saturday of my life.
I want to quit my job.
I want to work at Hot Topic.
I want to get enough sleep.
I want to travel.
I want to hug Neil Patrick Harris.
I want the Baltimore pictures to be up.
I don't think I'm as awkward as I say I am.
I want a camera from the Canon-Rebel family.
I want to go to a concert in December.

that concert. was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. It was so amazing. I feel like such a foolface.... but the best way I could describe them as is beautiful.

That was like the best present ever. I enjoyed it SO MUCH. thank you cassia, molly and patrick. [I didn't know he contributed until yesterday.]

It was really hard to get good pictures.... cause I didn't have my camera. just my crappy iphone camera. But between molly and I, I think we got some good ones:

I am coming home a week from today for thanksgivering. I am excited.
Hopefully I will do many things. Hopefully one of those things is winning a baseball game.

Srsly.
But not really.


I want to know if I got into temple or that place that Ashur Roth got learned at.



There isn't much else to say.
I bought a camera.
It is a lomographic camera.

I want to take pictures of teh warehouse and linfield.

Here is an example of an incriminating photograph:



Here is an example of a photograph of Linfield:

Notes augmented

We've enhanced and de-bugged Notes. If you haven't tried it yet, now's the time! You can create a private note when you ban multiple users. You can also delete multiple notes at once. Lastly, paid users have the option to add a note (visible only to you) whenever you add or remove a friend (guaranteed to avoid embarrassing social mishaps). If you don't currently have a paid account, you can upgrade now! It only takes a few minutes and costs less than a bad shopping mall haircut (plus, it's way more fashionable)!

Product tweaks and bug kill

1. In another effort to zap spam, comments containing links from domains LiveJournal deems untrustworthy are now automatically screened
2. If you sign up to get notifications of the Writer's Block question of the day, you'll now see the daily question in the email notification, so you'll have a little extra time to ponder before you post. You can subscribe to Writers Block notifications here
3. The issue causing random comments to vanish has been fixed!
4. If you visit a LiveJournal page and get prompted to log in, you'll be returned to the same page after you sign in (Thanks, Dreamwidth)!
5. If you don't edit the timestamp for an entry at all, the entry timestamp will indicate the time the entry was posted instead of the time the Update Journal page was loaded
6. Comments with paddings/backgrounds render correctly within the comment box (and will no longer wrap outside the box and break frames/margins)

New FCK fixes rich text editor!

1. We've updated our RTE (Rich Text Editor) to FCKeditor version 2.6.5
2. When switching from the RTE to HTML editor, links for syndicated feeds are no longer broken
3. RTE now functions properly in Safari 4.0
4. An extra line/space will not be auto-inserted whenever you switch from RTE to HTML editor
5. The insert image link now works correctly in all browsers

LiveJournal Cares

We’re pleased to introduce you to lj_cares, a new LiveJournal community dedicated to raising awareness and funds for U.S. charitable organizations that improve the health and well-being of people around the world. Each month, we’ll spotlight a nonprofit that is making a significant global impact through medical research, public outreach, and/or humanitarian social programs. Charities will be selected in accordance with the U.S. calendar of national health observances based on a high rating (of over 60%) on Charity Navigator and global scope of impact.

In this, our inaugural month of November, we will celebrate national adoption month by offering a charitable virtual gift (priced at $2.99) to support Love Without Boundaries, an organization that saves the lives of orphans with life-threatening diseases and places them in loving homes around the world. LiveJournal will donate 100% of the proceeds from the sale of charitable vgifts (we'll cover the cost of credit card transaction fees). To learn more about Love Without Boundaries, please visit lj_cares and read about how they helped save Baby Kang and the Rainbow Twins from fatal illnesses, who are now thriving in nurturing families. You can purchase your Love Without Boundaries gifts in the Virtual Gift shop.

Papered in postcards

A couple of weeks ago, we asked you to send in postcards to surround us with LiveJournal community. Thanks for coming through! We've received postcards all the way from Germany, Finland, and Canada and from all over the US, including Texas, Florida, Alaska, Montana, Wyoming, Indiana, Hawaii, and Oklahoma just to name just a handful. We're thrilled with our improved decor.

Please keep the love coming for one more week by writing to Frank the Goat, Esq., c/o LiveJournal, Inc., 539 Bryant Street, Suite 210, San Francisco, CA 94107. Be sure to include your username, since we'll be drawing the names of ten random contributors next Thursday to win paid account credits!

Photos of the week

We have more dazzling images posted by talented LiveJournal photographers from around the world. We're hoping to span the entire globe, so please continue posting and tagging. Of course, you can also sit back and enjoy the view at lj_photophile.

You can see a sample of this week's gorgeous photos and check out spotlight communities and awesome user content after the jump!

( Read more... )

Curtains

We thank you, once again, for joining us. See you next week!

I dont know what to really write. There is alot that I have to say. But i dont feel like opening myself up online.
And deff not on a blog.

Last night. my friend called me. To see how i was. So I played this one off pretty nicely. Give  myself props for being the biggest lier alive. WOAH!

So this is how our conversation went. The only part that mattered the most to me at least.

Myfriend: You sound SO good. I am so happy for you.
Me: -gulping- Yeah.
Myfriend: So everything is alright?
Me- Of course.
Myfriend:Hows the guy life?
Me: HA! what guy life.
Everytime a person asked me this. I always seem to be gulping. I always seem to be gasping for somewhat of, air.
Myfriend: No one?
Me: Nahh.
Myfriend: Ohhokay.
Me: Yupp.
Myfriend: You and him, are done? completely done. Your over it?
Me: -Silence- ....Yes. I dont care. Im done. Im fine.
Myfriend:Good to hear.

My eyes teared at this point. My eyes were full of water. And I laughed it all off.
But we you did bring up on the phone was the night I went to Josh's house this summer.
How he attempted to get with me. How he wanted to get with me. How I freaked out.
But no one ones what happened that night. So I feel explaining. For anyone who cares.

Josh was always older than me. I always use to watch all the boys play outside during the summer.
Josh was 12 when I was 9. He liked me. But never wanted to admit it. When everyone grew up, no one came otside anymore. So Josh is 18 now, Im 16. I havent seen or heard from him in YEARS. until, June.
He wanted to see me. He wanted to get with me. He basically wanted to fuck me. Truth.
We talked for weeks though. I didnt want Josh. But I must admit, and older college dude, no to bad.
He liked up the street from me.

So one day. He asked to meet at the park. I didnt want to go. So he told me no one was home to come over afterwords. I basically flipped and was like YOUR NOT RAPPING ME! he called me a bitch and said never.

20 mins later, I found myself meeting him. Why? I dont know. But we walked. And it was akward. going was a bad idea. No lie. But I went.  We walked until, I saw the dirrection we were giong, your house. No one was home. You wanted me. It was so clear.

The whole time, Julian was on my mind. The whole time. But we got to your house. and you simply asked.
"Do you want to go in? Nothing will happen, relax" That was my chance to say no. But i didnt. I agreed. We walked in.
And everything was exactly the same. We sat on your couch. You turned on the tv. And I wouldnt look at you. not in the eyes.
I was scared. shitless. But we talked about all the video games you had. I didnt know to say.

And then suddenly your arm came over my shoulder. and i stopped moving. You moved closer to me. "Is that okay Rachael?"
.."Mhmm" I whispered.

I looked at your four walls. And then your arm. And the only words that came over me were.."Your so white."
HAHAHA! YOUR SO WHITE! thats what i said, wft?!
Then suddenly, your hand slipped. lower around my waist. and I stopped moving. Everything was not there. And I said, "Get off. get off of me." You said okay. You put your hand back up towards me. Awkward as shytttt. And then it was silent I had nothing to say.

"Can I kiss you Rachael, one simple kiss." Thats what you wanted. I said no.
You called me a tease. I apparently lead you on.
I apparently made you think I wanted you? idk. You said I played you. I was wa lier. You freaked out that I didnt want you.
and that fact you couldnt have me.

Someone called. It was your mom. You gave me a look. One of those, be quiet. Then you said, your not telling me something Rachael,your not tellingme something. You were right by the way Josh. you were right. I was hidding something.

After awhile, you told me to leave. I left. Ran the whole to my house.

That was the night I made the dession that you were waiting for Julian.
That was the night I desided that I wanted to be with you.

I didnt want anyone else. No one. I only wanted you.

I only want you.

EDIT@08:16 UTC/GMT. Wow. That was ugly. I expected it to go for 30 minutes and have maybe 1 minute of broken connectivity. Instead it lasted over 4 hours and we had 10 minutes of downtime directly related to the load balancer upgrades and then another 5-10 minutes of downtime when our primary Pingback database server crashed and the secondary couldn't take over; which could have been indirectly caused by the network upgrade missing a self-VIP.

Anyways, we're up, we're working, the load balancers are barely breaking a sweat right now and I need some food and a shot of whiskey. I don't even *like* whiskey!!

Thanks mhwest and dnewhall for helping out!

---

On Saturday the 14th at 4AM UTC/GMT we will be upgrading the operating system of our network load balancers to a newer version, one that will allow us to use both CPUs! Nifty, because multiprocessing is nice.

Since we have 2 load balancers, the plan is to upgrade 1 at a time, and there really should be very little impact to our website. Hopefully you won't notice a thing and I'll get to go back to the hotel and watch some wonderful late night infomercials.

We've got a lot of exciting projects coming up for 2010 and we're hoping that we'll be able to deliver them all to you, that you will find it useful/cool/lovely and then you will use the site even more. Behind-the-scenes work like this will give us the capacity to handle the anticipated traffic, so expect a few more maintenance windows especially in the beginning of next year as we've got some neat ideas to improve performance around here! We had the recent 30-45 minute outage yesterday due to one of our logging databases filling up disk space -- not so great design coupled with my human error in handling the initial problem -- and it looks like we're going to finally have some resources to eliminate stuff like that. I can't wait!

As usual, I will be updating status.livejournal.org before and after, just in case you are not able to reach our main website during the work.

soo today i got selected for the all star hockey game down at temple on dec 5 (yay)
uhm whatels
O report card~ got a 3.3!! so good for me at least
all a's and b's! likee thaat never happens!
so today was a good day but like.. it was still a blah day. ya know?

im unspired and very tired
going to take a nap nap as chink would say 

I once had a dream where I was convicted of murdering several children (quite a long, interesting story, I'm sure.), and Morgan Freeman was chosen to help me out and do trial stuff that people do. So anyway, me and Morgan were walking through a woodsy park in autumn, and I turned to him and asked if I would be raped in prison. He stopped, looked at me, and said "Yes. Everyday." 

i got accepted to lasalle today
big whoop,
today wentw ith courtney to get a snuggie
then came home and found out i will be applying to 5 below for a job
not bad eh?.
haha i guess not
so imma try and go tomorrow after school at 3
so yay!
uhm whatelse thats it
lifes a bore
yea
KDHFKDJSHFKJSHDKJFHSJKH
<3 

 HIMYM WRITERS:
WHYYYYYYYYY?

You're making my world crash and burn.

 I was going to make this my facebook status, but I didn't want to stir up any controversy.

Not that my statuses ever stir up much.

I hate bloggin. I really dont enjoy this. I hate how people can read my thoughts.
I hate how now you have question for me to answer. I hate nosy people. Thats who useally reads these. There nosy people. People who have to know. & once they know, they all gave around each other and whisper.

"Oh..I heard why she is so upset lately. Did you read what she wrote. Shes depressed, what?!"

But that isnt the case here. Im beyond being depressed. I suffer from it. Now you can all choke on that thought.
 I heard the same words again today. "Rachael your so quiet" I just smiled. Said I was tired. Thats not the case.
I am tired though. Tired of this. Ive beginning to shut down. I feel myself just not opening my mouth. I feel myself playing the act again.

The bus dropped me off sorta close to my house. Like outside my develement. I watched how many cars just spend down 73. No, I wasnt thinking about being hit. Im not that crazy. I thought about how they were just going. Not looking back. Just going. I watched the faces pass by me. I thought how quickly I could live this place. Go straight down this road, turn another, walk over there and there lansdale train station is. I always jumped on the idea this time. I also just, dissapeared.

Just when push came to shove. I heard it. that voice. that haunting voice.
"Rachael, turn around. your okay. everything will be okay. just turn around. you need to open up. stop  hiding everything. stop. Your being rediculouse."

I could have sworn, I was listening to it. Like you were righ there. I clearly came home. I had no money anyways.
Relax, people. relax. Where am I going anyways? No where to go. No one to run to.

I hate that tho. Feeling like your none-exspesting. Like your invisable. Like a gost.
I hate how there are billion beyong billion of people in this world. How there are like what 300 kidz at my school.
100 in the upper school. 

And there is only one person that truely knows me. There is only one person who truely knows everything.
There is only one person to run too. There is only one person to truely talk too. There is only one person, that I am deponding upon. The only person who stopped depending upon me.


Depressing right? psh. my life in nut shelll for youuuu.

 

sixwordstories
Whether you're in the mood for a creative challenge or you're short on time or attention span, this semi-addictive community is perfect for those who find flash fiction way long. Once you get the hang of it, you won't be able to stop. The prince turned into a frog. The girl ran home to mother. Tough to write. Easy to read. It's a double threesome of fun.

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Delicious, ambitious, and occasionally nutritious dishes make for an eclectic, all-you-can-eat feast. Whether you're searching for recipes for your next dinner party or you're jonesing for a late-night brownie fix, your cravings are sure to be well sated. A warm and inclusive community that welcomes all orientations, from carnivores to vegans, from gourmands to junk-food junkies. Guaranteed bias-free, food-positive, and pan-epicurian.

im munching on some corn pops. gotta have ma popss! they so good!
lezzee whad i do dis weekenend
hah chink and his frineds were supposed to be up at west chester till sunday they came home the next day lol 
i knew they werent gonna make it up there.

friday- went downtown to first friday on 2nd and 3rd and market and arch and lookeed at all the art galleries and drank lots of free wine<3
it was fantastic  then i came home around ten ish and met up with chink and his friends at ryan and chilled. literally.
freezing.
so we left and went to chinkss then i went homee and slept and got a great nights sleep
saturday.. what in  the world did i do saturday? oh i know i went shopping with my grandmom got a cute flannel and joined the hot topic club where i get points or something. went to dinner at friendlys with tori chrissy and kara got 3 d glasses . hissed like a cat  and went to this kid johhnnys house and saw the guys from wednseday night rollerhockey nick andy chris and jmo. aandd then i went home and sleppt
woke up at 8 today went to hockey and ran for 2 hours straight and died.
went to heathers and we took cool pixx but then i dropped ma phone in da CREEK!! AH NO0O but her dad is literally god and fixed it but it looks ghetto as shit. you cant see anything on the left side of the screen. when it was 455 it loooked like 155, sweet aha 
and it skitzes out
now im home and idk what to do im SO super bored
chinks working
everyones kinda mad since were going back out.. but he explained himself and i dont need to explain to everyone else his stuff
part of it was hed rather say nothing then something he regretted which , okay i kinda get
but i dunno if heather quite knows yet
she hates him
mah.
but i love making ppl smile and when they can make me smile
and he makes me happy so. she will have to deal
=/ 
boredboredbored

purevolume.com/heiswe

happily ever after is so cute

I'm completelt done. Completely done.
Im beyond mad at this point. Holy shit.
I'm so angry. SO angry.

I'm leaving.I'm getting out.
Two faced people, like you and you.
Need to go awayy.

That is it. It's time for me to go. No one shall ever know.

We were so busy at work both Friday and Saturday this weekend.
I got to take a delivery today.
I was excited for that. And nervous. Nervous that I'd get lost.
I got to the guys house thinking he'd be like "harumph, you're late!"
But he was wearing an A7X Sweatshirt and had like, 00 gauges and was nice and tipped me four handsome dollars.
Then at work we got many tips for the many business-like transactions we handled.
I was disappointed to find out my boss's daughter who I thought was like us, nerdy-but-sorta-not, drinks. Too bad the world sucks and there are few teens with substance left. 
Luckily, I was able to hang out with two of those few teens tonight.
Seeing Katie and Caroline cheered me up lots, it was perfect.
Katie is so funny. It's weird how I'm saying this in third person knowing she will read this.And I loved loved loved her/your outfit. It was "adorbs." Yeah, I abbreved.
I just loved "I was kidding. You are special." 
On the ride home, which was like six minutes (short for once), I completely forgot that I have a bunch of homework because I had that much enjoyment and relaxation out of my night.
But I just finished my math homework. And I read lit for the like, one hour lull at work. I still have to outline this massive history chapter (well, I don't have to outline, but it helps for doing the homework.)
People at work may make fun of me for doing homework and being such a little responsible busy person, but hey, I'm not the nearly 30-year old working at a pizza shop, so suck it.

Heyyyyyyy I'm blogging!

soooooooooooooooooooo i'm here at the play practice. It's terrible. I mean, play practice is fun… but the play is TERRIBLE they are soooooooooooooooooooo bad. Idiots. Whatever they can crash and burn in their own. Stoopid. We were so much bettahhhh!!!!!!?!?!?!!! Byeeeeee!

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